Bad Boys VS Geeks

i feel used. i feel taken for granted. i feel sad.

i’m not used to talking about emotions and how i’m feeling… i actually feel uncomfortable for allowing my emotions to be displayed out… it makes it so much more real you know?

i wish things could go back to before she came in the picture… i wish we could go back to beginning of the year where it was just the two of us… i miss those days, the times spent together, in the library, in the foyer, at shalene’s place… i miss the comfort of knowing someone’s always gonna be by your side… i miss the guy who used to care… who used to care when i wasn’t feeling well, when i was down, when i wasn’t in the mood to study. i basically miss the guy who used to care about how i was feeling. i don’t know where we stand anymore, and it’s killing me inside. i mean, he disappears for almost half a year, and then he comes back into my life… the minute i manage to move on, get him out of my mind (well, not really, but i moved on) he comes waltzing back in as if nothing in the world has happened… and i can’t say that i’m angry at him for doing so… i was actually happy that he came back… simply because well i missed him… (stop giving me that look, no i’m not crushing), i missed his company, the stories he always tells… it’s just that we were so close, and suddenly poof it was all gone… it’s kinda hard to move on suddenly like that you know… when you’re with a person 24/7 and suddenly u’re being replaced with no explanations whatsoever… i don’t have to like him to feel this way, our relationship is platonic, it’s just as if i lost a best friend because the friend found someone better and sweeter than me…

now, it’s like we’re close but we’re not close at the same time… does it make sense? i feel like he only remembers i’m alive when he’s alone… or when he feels like talking to someone and there’s no one available to talk to him but me… kind of like i’m his last resort… the feeling sucks… but i can’t bring myself to tell him tht… i just can’t… and everytime we fight, he’s got no idea how much he hurts me… and shalene will always tell me not to let him do it again… don’t get close again… but i just can’t… simply because if a friend comes to you when he’s down or he’s upset, i can’t just turn the friend away because they’ve hurt me… it’s just not right… you don’t turn your back on a friend just because the friend has hurt you before (yes, no matter how much he/she put you through)…

bottom line is i feel used and taken for granted. and i hate feeling this way. it makes me more insecure than i already am and more vulnerable… i hate it… and when ppl hurt me i tend to retaliate and i end up hurting them as well… i hate this…

i’m tired… i give up…

dani